The
bond I felt with my first phone (a Nokia 6610), bordered on covalent, and that
was sans access to today’s veritable buffet of games and social networks—not to
mention the internet at large.
Put
Your Teen (or Pre-Teen’s) Screen Time in Context
A 2016 survey from Influence Central
found the average age for a first smartphone at a shade north of 10. Those
phones aren’t merely being used for safety check-ins with parents, either. The
same report found half of children surveyed had at least one social media
account by the age of 12.
The
proliferation of smart devices presents unique challenges for parents, and all
that increased screen time can cause conflicts in the home. A Reuter’s article cites a third of families
arguing daily about time spent on devices. But while watching a toddler
expertly and intuitively manipulate a device before mastering language can be a
little unnerving, it’s wise to not restrict reflexively. Instead, individualize
your approach based on your child’s age, personality and individual needs.
Flexibilityis vital for another reason too, because as kids grow, smartphones take on a
heightened symbolic importance, to the point where cutting them off from their
phone entirely could have larger consequences than you realize, including
impeding their social development and identity.
Each
Kid Interacts With Devices Differently
Because of that socialfunction, Lenhart hesitates to use the term ‘addiction’ when it comes to teens’
preoccupation with devices, instead pointing toward new research that
identifies the phenomenon as a “differential susceptibility.” Similar to how
adults interact with a substance like alcohol, some teens moderate themselves,
while others struggle to control themselves.
“Thepoint of many of these platforms, the gamification of features, is to keep you
coming back, that’s how they make money,” warns Lenhart, “so it’s up to parents
to understand how their kid responds to something like that, and adjust their
approach to shepherd their child to responsible digital adulthood.”
That
journey requires different techniques along the way, so we spoke with parents
across three age groups to identify the best methods to keep digital usage
under control.
Ages 0-6: Monitor and Set Limits
Six
and under is probably too young for their own cell phone, but the draw of using
devices is present early on, thanks to loads of streaming videos and apps gearedtoward kids.
Melissa
Frame, mother of two girls (ages 2 and 4), has already noticed a desire for
more digital independence in her 4-year-old. “Now that she’s a little older,
she’s interested in watching videos where adults unbox and play with toys,” she
explains, “sometimes the people in the videos make their dolls do gross things,
like poop or throw up. Seriously, wtf? So I supervise her video time closer
than with my 2-year-old.”
Matt
Mundy, father of a 6-year-old son and two daughters (3 and 4), also notes how
important your own example is when you’re teaching young kids responsible
device usage, “I try to be cognizant of how much I can get focused on my phone.
It’s unfair and hypocritical for me to expect them not to use the phone if I’m
on the phone.”
Ages
6-12: Understand the Importance, Remain Engaged
Asthe aforementioned studies found, this is typically the age range when parents
purchase a phone for their child, which means this is also when you may see
your role shift from everyday regulator to periodic advisor.
Since
his son is nearing the age, Mundy is mentally preparing for that eventual
craving for a personal screen. “It is a decision I’m concerned about in the
next few years. It’s a Pandora’s Box, but it’s also completely impractical for
him not to have a phone.”
In the domestic sense, once
you’ve granted them their own phone, it’s an ideal time to lay down concrete
ground rules and expectations. The more specific, the better, but be as
consistent in your enforcement as possible: no phones during family meals at
home, no social apps or games until homework has been completed, check-in texts
when departing or arriving anywhere, etc.
According
to Poppke, middle school is the age when kids’ reverence for online content
becomes all-consuming, and she explains, “they discuss the digital world
constantly. A lot of their social [in person] interactions revolve around
online content. They idolize people they find through social media.”
The
current generation of teens is bound through cultural touchstones that are
occurring online, which makes a connection to that realm vital to their social
development and cultivation of identity. Consequently, teachers like Poppke use
digital culture to forge friendships for new students, and keep her classroom
engaged.
You
don’t have to scour the depths of their favorite YouTube channels, or obsess
over their browser histories, but inquiring who their online heroes are, or
asking them to watch a few of their favorite videos with you not only helps you
have a pulse on what they’re watching, it validates the person they’re becoming
online.
If you’re worried about
them accessing content you consider truly inappropriate, you can take proactive
measures to filter what your teen can access online. Services like Net Nanny and Qustodio attempt to offer
customizable catch-all solutions that modify browsers, set time limits, track
calls and monitor social media to shield young users from explicit material,
profane language and pornography.
These
services work across family PCs, laptops and devices, but they can be pricey.
Alternatively, Google’s Family Link is free, but has come
under scrutiny for letting teens 13+ lift restrictions themselves.
Tech-savvy
teens are generally more likely to seek out ways to circumvent filters as they
mature, and some filter features may prove too invasive for some (Qustodio lets
you read your children’s text messages on an Android device), so be mindful
that a service is never a substitute for your own awareness and involvement.
Observing and embracing
your kid’s online identity is essential in guiding them to Lenhart’s vision of
“responsible digital adulthood,” regardless of whether you impose restrictions
by content, hour, or data. Emphasize that a phone is no longer merely a
distraction or reward for good behavior, but a tool that will help shape the
person they’re becoming.
Ages
12-18: Gradually Yield Trust, Schedule Off-Device Activity
“At
the beginning of 6th grade, my daughter started asking for one. Everyone in her
class had one,” recalls Manny Bocchieri, whose daughter is now 14 and in high
school. “We started with a burner phone for emergency calls, but every year the
pressure mounted for us to get her a smartphone. She couldn’t take pictures
with the burner. At 12, we caved and gave her an old iPhone.”
Middle
school is a major time for community-building and learning how to identify as
part of social circles. Teenagers become increasingly eager to parake in that
outside of the confines of the home.
“It’s freaking tricky,”Bocchieri opines, “it’s an extension of understanding the boundaries of her
individuality. She goes out with her friends, has some money to spend. She
wants to document life and prove herself as part of a tribe. For us, it’s like trusting
her to tread water at 8 feet, knowing next year it’ll be 9.”
While
relinquishing control, it’s still important to stand firm on some rules.
Bocchieri mandates being able to follow all his daughter’s social media
profiles and asks her to stop using the phone when the battery dips below 20%,
for emergencies.
Itdoesn’t always work. Teenagers like exploring the boundaries of rules, and apps
like Snapchat offer communication beyond what a parent can see, not to mention,
teens are more attuned to new apps than you are, putting them a step ahead of
filter services.
All these factors present a
larger problem for parents: as smartphones take on greater social importance,
they can become an increasing time suck for teens. As Lenhart explains, “The
desire to stay in touch with your friends is a reasonable one, though parents
need to know how much self-control their teen is capable of.”
Outright
taking away phones for 12-18 year olds is difficult for two related reasons,
according to Lenhart:
Getting
your teen to engage offscreen is typically a more successful endeavor when the
solution is proactive, not reactive. “If my daughter mentions a hobby that
intrigues her, I double down on it right away to keep her active,” offers
Bocchieri, “she wants to play drums? I’ll sign her up for classes ASAP and get
some drumsticks in her hand.”
This
is where tracking data or time usage via the device or a service can prove
especially helpful. Restrictions may be harder to impose on older teens, but you
can encourage them to augment their schedules with more active extracurricular
options if time on certain apps starts to balloon.
If
problems persist, other non-invasive solutions can be found in the hardware
itself, or the carrier that supplies the data connection. Many Android modelsare more affordable and
offer greater customization than their iPhone counterparts, while both Verizon and AT&T peddle prepaid plans
designed specifically for teens, allowing parents to limit the amount of
non-WiFi data available and put restrictions on time, texts and purchases. Be
aware though: plans like these don’t limit the amount of data a device can
consume connected to a WiFi network, so you may still want to use a monitoring
or filtering service for devices at home.
Check
Yourself
No
matter the age, parents should emphasize the importance of off-screen time,
especially during moments you want familial engagement most, like mealtimes. If
you set a rule like no phones at the dinner table, make sure it’s one you abide
by, too and one that you enforce for all your kids, regardless of their age.
Keep the times you want to be device-free sacred for everyone.
